Things that come up

I hear the sound of a train in the distance, and instantly I'm taken back to days in Portland where I could hear the train from my bedroom all the time. In savasana today at the end of my practice, I focused on the movement of my breath and then--as is liable to happen--my focus softened and shifted. An image of an eye appeared in the dark space in front of my forehead, known in yoga as chidda kasha (chit--mind and its impressions; akasha--space). All of a sudden I am flooded with images from my old neighborhood--all of the coffee shops, restaurants and stores I frequented. All of these images have the common theme of instant gratification and sensual pleasure running through them. Sensual pleasure dwells in the same space as emotional fluctuations and creativity in the psychic body, in the second chakra specifically. 

The body holds onto the experiences of the past and the body tells the story. My yoga practices of late have had a particular anatomical focus--today the focus was on the side body as a whole unit. So I really got into stretching out my ribs, my IT bands, my shoulders and neck and felt really light afterwards as a consequence, simply because attention, breath and space were mindfully placed there. The intention behind every one of my practices is to heal and alleviate the chronic mental, physical and emotional tension I hold onto which keeps me from being my real Self. The images of my past rushing before my closed eyes is proof of what I have released in practice and therefore what I need to pay attention to, knowing that the past always has a way of reappearing again and again in different ways if I don't learn from it.

Last night I had a moment of fearfulness before I thought about turning off the lights to go to sleep. I felt in that moment how seemingly alone I was in the dark in my big bed. I couldn't find comfort or ease and I knew that I would probably have to cry to release that pent up tension building rapidly in my mind and heart. I didn't want to do that, even though I know the value of letting tears flow. I reached out to a dear friend instead, even though I knew that there was nothing he could do to comfort me. I just needed someone to listen to what I was feeling, and the moment I communicated it I instantly felt better. Either way, the communication occurred with the Divine, and I was heard and comforted.

Little reminders that I'm on the right track and that my practice is working are everywhere. I reflect back on my life thus far and realize that every desire that I've had has either been fulfilled or on its way to becoming fulfilled--and that's an amazing thing. I'm becoming less and less worried about how my future is playing out. I'm growing steadier in the midst of change and potential obstacles, knowing that all I have to do in those challenging moments is just to soften my body and pause the tape loop of ego-driven internal dialogue that insists that I'm going to fuck up and fail. I remind myself that I have a hand in this life, but ultimately it is steered by Divine guidance--and for the acceptance of that fact, I am grateful.