A New Beginning

Every moment serves as a new beginning, but sometimes it takes the actual uprooting of oneself to really feel that bright and shiny newness that comes with unfamiliar, yet welcoming surroundings. I jetted over to Chiang Mai today and left Krabi Town--a change that is definitely for the better. I could tell immediately as the plane descended into Chiang Mai that I was in love--there are trees and mountains everywhere, an atmosphere where I feel at ease always. I literally could not control the smiles that sprung up randomly on my face. Good vibes, indeed. I received a mini tour of Old Town when I wasn't prepared to give the address of my bungalow to the driver. So good--fountains, temples, golden buddha statues, ancient architecture, green, lush landscape. And I traveled through heaven to get there. So here it is--the moment I've been waiting for. I shall see what's in store.

It's all right here

It's interesting to watch myself on the precipice of great change. I have one week until I become my jet-setting self once again. Flying to a city full of possibility and leaving a city where I feel physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually stifled. Right now, it's really about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Continuing to breathe through challenging moments when all I want to do is escape, knowing that there is a framework behind all of this. These difficult moments have made me aware of what I think I'm lacking, and what I need to practice more of as a consequence. Adversity builds character, but reminding myself that I don't lack anything and that I have everything I need has proven to be a more powerful statement. 

Coming here was part of my path, and I have been experiencing what it feels like to travel alone. Up until one month ago, I had been travelling with friends and shared beautiful experiences with them. I've always been one to be happy when I'm connecting authentically with others. Solitude has never really been the name of my game. The bizarre thing is that even when I was with friends (and this has always been the case), I found myself drifting off into my own world, separating myself and having my own experience. Introverted. And it seems that all of my life I have been craving the experience of travelling alone--I never really saw myself doing this with anyone else in my vision. I always envied people who had these amazing, life-altering experiences on their own, standing firmly in who they really are, just growing and living to the fullest in a beautiful, foreign land. Now I have the honor and privilege of having this opportunity, hanging out with myself day after day for the last month. The only connection I have is with my little kids at school and some interaction with the Thai teachers for a few short hours. Otherwise, I am on my own with my own thoughts, as there isn't very much to do to distract myself in this small, simple town. 

The self-indulgence of my ego only goes so far, as it reinforces the idea that I am missing out and I am disconnected. I know from practical experience that true contentment comes from connecting (through writing or meditation) with the part of myself that is eternal--the part of myself that lacks nothing. The part of myself that needs no connection or attention from outside sources. The part of myself that doesn't need to run away, because it's all right here. How many times do I have to prove to myself that I am enough? These are the lessons, right here, right now. This is why I am here, to do this work and figure it out. Planting the seeds and carving out time (which I have a lot of) to realize that I am Love and that I am missing nothing. It's all right here.

Momentum

This morning I woke up and felt a momentum behind everything that's about to unfold. Realizing that my time here in Krabi is limited and is going to fly by, just as I've desired. Anything to get me to my destination more quickly. Time is an illusion.  Attachment can be my motivation or imprisonment. Staying with the flow of momentum literally keeps me in the present moment--the only thing that is real. Momentum vibrates in every cell of my body, encouraging me to move forward. There is no resistance in momentum, only ease. So here again, I have a choice of where to put my energy. Do I put my energy into the stress and worry that comes with attachment, or do I go with the faith that is married to momentum? I think I'll go with the latter today, because there is no doubt in my mind, body and heart that it feels better. And I will never deny that which feels better.

Hidden gems

Now I know I've been talking like Krabi has really been getting me down lately, but with that comes a few hidden gems that I have discovered today. On my rides to Ao Nang these past two weekends, I have looked up and out of the song-tao to find a temple complex tucked up into a hill, above the buzz of the street. I thought to myself, I'll get there when it's time and capture the moment in my head and behind the lens. Today, I got out of school and went to my main food spot, Cafe Europa--which was apparently Leonardo DiCaprio's main spot when he was here years ago filming The Beach. Got fueled up with some dank breakfast and coffee, then it was time to hit up Wat Kaew. 

Ah, what a lovely sight indeed, towering high above me and complete with a bald, famished guard dog at the gate chilling in the shade. I love that about Thailand--one minute you can be in the hustle and bustle, the next you're completely solitary as you walk around a silenced wat. The afternoon light had a way of maneuvering through foliage and cloud cover to create the perfect scene everywhere I turned. The walk through was a bit shorter than I was expecting, but I was affected by the steadiness of the place, which parts of it were under construction by the way. Even the people working to reconstruct the beauty of it were emanating quiet, stillness and patience as well--qualities that I am always in need of these days.

On the walk back to the song-tao, I took a tiny detour into this cute stationary shop, not really knowing what I was looking for. I ended up walking aimlessly down each aisle, surveying all of the varieties of pens, paper and other office supplies. Took an immediate halt where the paper journals were and picked up a rubbery red one that had a small scene of silver trees, streetlights, a turtle and a car etched into the bottom right corner. I knew instantly what I was leaving with, as I didn't bring a journal with me to write in and have often found myself scrawling on a small pad that a short order cook would write on. In short, I left happy.

I then came to the coffee shop I walked past yesterday and had that wave of celebrity status again. I don't think a farang like me has ever been to this coffee shop before. I ordered my iced latte and the gal who brought it to me in this small glass pitcher asked if she could take her picture with me. Of course I agreed and all of the kind, smiling gals in the shop and I had a good laugh. So funny, these Thai ladies. Love em. Couldn't find a more pleasant place that had a wifi signal. 

Good day, indeed.

Remembering

I've had countless moments in the past two weeks where I've been stressing about the details of how my future is going to unfold. Bizzare. Completely caught me off guard--which is exactly what happens in the practice of life. Whatever happened to surrender? Whatever happened to my path already being laid before my feet by the Divine? Whatever happened to my "going with the flow" attitude that I've adopted for most of my stay here in Thailand? I come back to old fears about not having enough money and my journey over here ending before I'm ready to leave. And then I go on an entire mind trip about how I'm going to be broke and jobless if I do have to go back to the States. Unnecessary and irrational thought process? Perhaps.

But that doesn't change the fact that these things are weighing on my mind and heart because I'm letting them. I forget in these moments where I'm completely consumed in the details that life is supposed to be effortless, and that I don't need to put the emotional charge on the outcome in the future. I forget that I'm completely guided and never forsaken on this adventure on the other side of the Pacific. I forget that I need to be gentle with myself and not judge my emotions, remembering that I'm experiencing every moment authentically. I forget those two separate, rare encounters with the elusive black and white butterfly, who blessed each of my feet as I move forward. 

So that's the lesson, isn't it? Remembering that the path is already laid before my feet and that on this path, I cannot make a mistake. Everything is unfolding as it is meant to, and it's not my job to stress about the details. My job is to remain effortless and to welcome all emotion and experience as gracefully as I can. Now begins the 24/7 process of letting go and trusting that everything is going to be ok. I will never be without a place to sleep, food to eat, and Love enveloping me.

Stormy

Three day weekend. The natural choice was to hit up Ao Nang again for some chillin' at the beach--storm or no storm. The solo song-tao ride over was pretty sweet, as I got to move about the cab freely, snapping pictures, feeling the liberation of wind blowing in my hair as I surveyed the familiar sights of lush, green landscape and towering mountains and caves. I got into town and had the "American breakfast" that consisted of heart-shaped over hard eggs with packeted chili sauce, bacon, toast, cold butter, Best Foods strawberry jam, orange juice from concentrate, and Lipton tea. Yes. Then, I proceeded to walk down the same beach strip dotted with four and five-star resorts, Thai restaurants, beauty salons and massage shalas. I had a mind to make it into the cute and comfortable little cafe I sat in last weekend. The wifi connection here is a bit spotty today, as the winds have quickly picked up and the rain has been ushered in. The sets of waves are getting pretty steady now and the water has gone from jewel-toned in the distance to a uniform murky brownish-grey color all around. The far off limestone rock formations now have an eerie cloak of fog around themselves, looking all mysterious. And here I am, tucked away inside of a cafe, sipping on my now lukewarm coffee with milk and sugar, watching it all go down. 

Change is Constant

If there is anything that I've learned on this journey of getting more in tune with my Self, it's that change is the only thing that remains constant. Nothing lasts forever. Novelty is fleeting. To my delight, I am leaving Krabi in three weeks for the vibrant city of Chiang Mai. This is the one place that I spoke about before that I have a particular affinity with, yet I hardly know anything about. All I know is that I'm answering the internal call to be there about a month earlier than I anticipated--thank you, Universe. First and foremost, I need to renew my tourist visa (which may require a quick, fun trip to Burma) and make a trip to the US Embassy to establish some contacts for work and what not. Then, it'll be my time to wing it and explore everything that Chiang Mai has to offer. Luckily, it'll be very cheap to live for a little bit without working. What else can I say? I'm stoked for the journey to begin. Equal parts of me want to find roots and not be tied down here in Thailand. I'm still thirsty for more of what I have not seen yet. 

The treasures I have to look forward to en route to Burma.

Happy as a clam

One of my favorite places to be in Thailand is in the very back of the song tao going anywhere, with open air and wind blowing into my face and hair. I get the best views of everything this way too--getting lost in the scenery with childlike wonder. 

 The ride back to Krabi town from Ao Nang was pretty magical. I didn't catch even half of the lush beauty on the way there as I did on the way back. I kept on having the biggest jaw-dropping moments, like how I did back on Koh Chang. While internally bowing to all of this majesty, I tried to make out any faces I could see in the limestone crags of rock. Kind of a fun little game I like to play while  looking at nature. I couldn't even imagine wanting to be anywhere else for the entire ride home. It's those moments that completely justify my reasoning for being here in Thailand--continuing to nurture my relationship with my Self and witness the divine everywhere I extend my gaze.

Independence

It's Saturday, and definitely didn't want to stay cooped up in my apartment all day. So, I decided to pack up my backpack and hightail it to Ao Nang to spend a day. This tourist-laden city is gorgeous: limestone mountains covered in green vegetation emerging from the ground and from the sea, multi-toned colors of the body of the sea, and an all-around chill vibe since it's monsoon season. It's not raining today, thank goodness. But I have a feeling that even if it was storming here, it wouldn't take away from this coastal town's beauty. 

I rode into Ao Nang by song-tao with two awesome couples from Spain and Ireland, respectively. We all exchanged stories about our extensive travels in Thailand: the ins and outs of guesthouses, how to get to certain islands, where we have been, etc. I can't emphasize enough what a comfort it is to talk to people who speak English. I'm automatically relieved when I fall into the presence of English speakers--it's like a security blanket. I no longer feel like a dumb tourist who doesn't know her way. 

It's funny that I keep running into couples, and the men I've met who I've even had the slightest interest in will not give me the time of day. I know it's because my heart is bound to another. And I did think of him when I was talking with these couples, thinking of how awesome it would be to share this whole experience with him--cherishing these moments together. But in that same moment, I felt very independent and brave to be travelling on my own. I take pride in knowing that these moments are not diluted because my attention is divided. These moments are mine, forever. The impressions are being planted like little germinating seeds in the fertile grooves of my mind. Consequently, my heart expands to make room for all of this experience--the awesome, the dull, and everything in between. I am not the same. OM.