Taking Fear to Lunch

Here is what that looks like:

-Actually eating alone in a restaurant that doesn't have WiFi, and therefore nothing to distract me from my boredom, a constant babble of thoughts and subsequent loneliness; I've also found that the distraction of anything external has an extremely short shelf life. Soon enough, I'm back at square one, dealing with what I was unsuccessfully trying to distract myself from in the first place.

-Realizing that I don't know it all, therefore making my bruised ego get fired up and then submit.

-Making new acquaintances when I could just as easily be isolated and bog myself down with judgment.

-Doing something or going someplace new, which stirs up the pot of normality and routine that the mind gets comfortable with very quickly; creating new pathways for the brain.

-Letting go of future plans that I treat as my life raft; bypassing the present is not where it's at.

-Growing accustomed to the darkness that seems oppressive right when I turn off my bedside lamp to go to sleep; all of distractions stop and I'm left with myself and that sinking feeling in my heart and stomach that tends to happen; in short, learning how to self-soothe, just as I did when I was an infant.

-Actually exposing my fear to anyone reading this, which allows me to further release my grip on it and provide a basis for people to relate and find solace where they would normally feel anything but that when confronting these beasts.

Good luck, friends.

Intention

This word will forever remind me of The Pretenders song, "Brass in Pocket". I began listening to this song in junior high school, upon the recommendation from my very hip algebra teacher. The lyrics read, "I am gonna use it...intention, I feel inventive. Gonna make you, make you, make you notice." 

From a more superficial perspective, this is a song about getting attention and validation from the world. Going a little bit deeper, it's about embracing one's originality and special gift that one has to offer the world, and it all starts with this intention. The Sanskrit word for this is sankalpa, or a desire born of the heart, existing in harmony with our real Self. Another translation is "the one that must be followed without exception above all else". Today I've been thinking back on my emotionally supercharged time in Krabi, where my thoughts were running amok and all that seemed tangible was the devotion to my intention of getting out and envisioning happier times ahead. During that time, I rededicated myself to a practice of stream of consciousness journaling and also writing down my intentions for how I wanted to see my future unfold as a thriving being. 

Looking back now, I've realized that every intention I created and held on to during that time has already come to pass: I've come to Chiang Mai and I'm happily settled in, I made a visit to Pai to see what the buzz was about, I've just come back from an eye-opening adventure in Laos, in a mere 28 days I will be heading home to be reunited with my family for the holidays, and then I'll resume life in beautiful Portland as a yoga instructor and spend some long overdue time with my Love, dear friends and fellow yoga instructors. What a fruitful, amazing existence! How could I ever have mistrust in the workings of my life, when a big part of it is fully in my hands and mind (directed by Divine guidance)? 

Perhaps another interpretation of the aforementioned song lyrics is that the "I" who is speaking is the One who is watching my life, thoughts and dreams. The One who reports back with the word change when I'm at a loss, confused and caught up with the drama. The One who knows what's best. The One who brings my attention to the intention in the first place. The One who makes me, makes me, makes me notice where I am lacking and where I can make my life more full and vibrant as a consequence. 

Chrissy Hynde

Laos

I'm still digesting all of the beauty and color of this place. I feel privileged to have spent time with a novice monk, learning about his life and leaving with his sincere blessing to have a happy, lucky existence and safe travels. I'm thankful to have made friends who I can visit one day when I see Great Britain. People whose presence I could just fall into and rest in without reservation--sharing belly laughs, stories, and commonality.

The slow boat ride down from upper Laos to Luang Prabang was one of the more reflective times where solitude seemed natural. I didn't care to speak as I kept my eyes glued to the comfort of the unspoiled mountainscape and the currents of the Mekong river. The boat moved with the river's flow, which provided me with even more stillness and stability.The riverfolk went about their daily business and life seemed simple and self-sustained in their huts perched on the mountains along the banks. The locals and their water buffalo seemed to effortlessly navigate their way through the thick jungle and limestone rock formations, down the steep, lush hills of their residences. Children as young as three years, clad in mismatched colorful t-shirts and shorts, already seemed to have the operation of the skinny long boats down--it was in their bones and blood.

The smell of this country is intoxicating--rich, smoky burning wood, the essence of trees, and the aroma of freshly charred meats, herbs and curries. Color is an integral part of the streets, providing a veritable feast for the eyes: shiny jewelry, bright handmade tribal textiles, local golden Buddhist art, fruit packed into plastic cups ready to be made into a smoothie of any combination. A land where French food and pastry are done right, thanks to colonialism. A land where you can make friends on the street, where kindness is godliness. A land where poverty is overshadowed by simplicity, service and charm. This is another country where I've left a piece of my heart, and I will be forever longing to come back.

A word about pain

It is your teacher. You are meant to experience equal potential for pain and joy in this lifetime as a human being. So use your pain to inspire you to practice whatever it is that allows you to put things into perspective and feel whole and balanced again--yoga, cooking, running, writing, meditation--whatever floats your boat and gets you back to an equanimous state. Meet yourself in the middle and stop giving yourself such a hard time about life's details and your subsequent feelings because of them. If for some reason you lose your balance and you find yourself ignoring that thing that makes you feel whole, just come on back and resume your practice. The door is always open, and no one is there giving you a hard time for being away except yourself. 

Instead of letting your pain run your show and being a victim of your own self-imposed suffering, remember that you run things. You're in charge of your reactions to life's happenings and you're also in control of changing your energy in the present moment. So instead of wallowing in sadness, anger, judgment, mistrust, etc--flip the switch and do something different, something that lifts you up instead of thinking that drags you down.

If all else fails, just tell yourself that it's all perfect and trust that you're exactly where you are, feeling exactly what you're supposed to be feeling for a reason that will reveal itself later. Everything always falls into place. 

The heart of the matter

The One Who is at Play Everywhere said,

There is a place in the heart where everything meets.
Go there if you want to find me.
Mind, senses, soul, eternity, all are there.
Are you there?

Enter the bowl of vastness that is the heart.
Give yourself to it with total abandon.

Quiet ecstasy is there -
and a steady, regal sense of resting in a perfect spot.

Once you know the way 
the nature of attention will call you 
to return, again and again,
and be saturated with knowing, 
“I belong here, I am at home here.”

Answer that call.

--The Bhairava Tantra (Radiance Sutras)

The heart space. Anahata--the unstruck sound, the bridge between heaven and earth. Most religious and spiritual traditions point to the heart as the boundless source of unconditional love and thus, a lasting connection with all that is. It is the house of the Divine--the place where you can access everything that you seek. Sounds all warm and fuzzy, but this journey to this place, as you know, is covered by every layer of suffering and negativity imaginable. It's easy for us to love things, ideas, and people outside of ourselves. If you asked yourself what you love in this world, your first answer probably won't be yourself (unless it is, then I admire you for your solid connection). All of us are longing to be home in our hearts, in a big way. It's in our makeup as souls attached to bodies. Our bodies, our minds and our human experience are tools to help us get back home where we are safe and comforted. It's not to say that loving outside of ourselves doesn't feel wonderful--because it does, and is part of our experience. The trouble is that it doesn't last, and then we get attached and keep seeking that transient feeling everywhere and in everything. Unfulfilled. So begins an ugly cycle of disappointment if one is not aware of this misleading disconnect.

The beautiful thing is that you can go home whenever you want, and you know how to get there. Every experience of attachment, grief, heartbreak, shame, anger, fear--you name it--is the starting point to move back to center. All it takes is your own will and time to practice even  just the simple act of watching your breath move for a minute, unrestricted--inhale and exhale, and the union that rests between. 

In the words of the Bhairava Tantra, "Breath flows in and out spontaneously of its own will, thus all breathing beings continually worship the goddess. Be conscious of this unconscious prayer, for she is the most holy place of pilgrimage." 

Whatever it takes for you to get there, do it! Keep it simple. Do it twenty four hours a day, every day, and something will change, I promise. We're in this together.

River

The river has many attitudes--
Ripples, currents, swirls of subcurrents.
When the gaze darts around,
It appears that the water flows in 
Many directions.
But when the gaze relaxes,
Everything is taken into account.
One realizes that the river flows
Strongly in one direction as
Light and dark reflections play 
On the surface.
Boats and vegetation skim across it too.
But the true direction
Underneath the surface never changes.
Permanence and impermanence 
At its finest.

So why are we an exception,
Turning a blind eye to these truths?
It appears that our agony will last forever
And our ecstasy will not last long enough--
Caught up in the subcurrents, ripples and swirls.
Reactionary. Sensitive to all that moves.

We have many attitudes--
But when our gaze relaxes,
Everything is taken into account.
Permanence and impermanence 
At its finest.

Facing East

The steadfast golden orb's light

Kisses the leaves of

Gracious trees and

Pierces through the dewy fog that

Lay sleepy over the lush mountainscape.

A child dressed in his true blue polo and 

Track pants holds onto his mother's waist

As they journey to school.

A wild dog lies dead in the road,

Neck cranked badly to one side.

The Sun has come into its true power.

Now--everything is illuminated,

Brought to its full potential.

A young Thai man dressed in green camouflage

Stands with quiet confidence on the back of a

Song-tao, matte black boots laced up tight,

Close-fitting black beret 

Meaningfully tipped to one side.

Piles of red rambutan and minty green cabbage

Characterize the scene of an early 

Streetside market.

Elders gather around in front of the chedi to

Make their morning offerings of 

Fire, water, flowers and incense.

Burmese women wear iridescent yellow clay

In stripes, squares and dots on their faces

So that they might not bake brown in the 

Approaching afternoon heat.

The river flows through all of it, undisturbed.