If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you.
Some serious mental and emotional discomfort has been building up in my system for the past few days. I wasn't able to put a label on exactly what triggered it or what it was, but it literally felt like a storm was coming--the warning signs of thunder and lightning were ringing clear. My heart space has been cloudy, and my jawline and brow have grown tense with the buildup of experiencing this truth-revealing storm, which came to a head tonight.
I was having a conversation with a dear friend from home, who is my mirror in every way. I found myself telling him that I felt stuck. What the hell? How could I be so blind? I have had the privilege to travel to this part of the world and have seen things I never would've dreamed of seeing--and here I am pouting about feeling stuck? Here's the thing: I've been in a pattern of staying extremely close to everyone at home with the bountiful wifi connections over here, which has been a blessing and bane. A blessing to stay connected, a bane for the subsequent feelings of longing for the familiar which I was dying to get away from three months ago. It goes to show that no matter where I go, there I am--a truth that speaks volumes. A truth that I've heard over and over again for many years, but now I'm finally assimilating it. In short, my baggage goes where ever I go, and I ultimately decide when to take inventory of the heavy shit I don't need to take back home with me.
So here's the deal--I have nine weeks left here in Thailand (yes I've been counting). I have to make the most of it and take risks. Try new restaurants instead of habitually sticking to the same ones, for fear of disappointment. Get out of the city center and into the country, or across the river at the very least and explore more of Chiang Mai province. Not getting stuck (there's that word again) on the date that I'm flying back home and getting my head out of the future and into the now. Yes, I had a moment where I wasn't seeing clearly how blessed I am to have gotten here. However, I didn't spend a ton of time wallowing around in that self-loathing that comes with the attachment of facing something difficult about who I am, which I was famous for in my past. There, art thou happy.
Moving forward, then, with all that I know.
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