Abhyasa Vairagya

Hundreds of tiny ripples replace each other in a small koi pond, and droplets of water bounce back skyward. The sound of rain is soothing, but not enough to smooth the contents my mind that have been stewing for some time now. My fear of the unknown has resurfaced and is put to the test once again in this new bubble of an environment that I'm in. And that is exactly what I came here to do: to go abroad, outside of my comfort zone and test everything that I've learned about myself in the past three years. I swear every day it's a fight inside of my mind and this constant shifting back and forth between present and future is exhausting. One moment, I'm totally fine and really here in my environment, the next I'm tripping about what's going to happen when I get home. Where is my life going? Where is my career going? Where is my relationship going? My patience is being tested all the time, as I'm used to acting on impulse in hopes of instant gratification. It's like I'm forgetting what I've learned about everything just taking care of itself. 

I'm essentially creating the thought construct of having control so that I can relax and feel better about the future. But it's that exact concept of control that creates attachment, and ultimately this attachment leads me to feel  that I have something to lose. So why am I doing this to myself? I guess I have to pin it to the Universe repeatedly trying to teach me the same lesson every moment of my days here in Thailand--a reinforcement of eternal Truth, as it were. How many times do I have to have the same conversation between these two sides of myself? Why do I fight and create this conflict when I can just as easily give all of this bullshit worrying over to God? Why do I doubt, when I have proven to myself that there is absolutely no reason to? 

I can say that what will get me through right now is a commitment to faith in the fact that I have never been led astray, and that all of these conversations and happenings indeed have a deeper purpose in the shaping of my life's course. Ultimately, what will emerge from this faith is an unshakable Knowingness that will get me through anything. This is one instance of the abhyasa (consistent, unbroken practice) vairagya (non-attachment) that bro-sage Patanjali speaks of--two key aspects of leading a life that oozes tranquility. In other words, my everyday practice stands in not mistaking my fears, doubts, and judgments for who I really am (unlimited, Light, spacious, joyous)--and that is where I will look struggle in the face and triumph.