The grass is always greener

I was taking the usual route to my guesthouse after dinner, when I paused and looked up at the soft pink and blue hues and the toenail-shaped moon in the sunset sky. I looked up at Doi Suthep, whose mountain peaks captivated my attention and gave me comfort when I landed here over two months ago. Two months. Time flies, truly. At that moment I realized how much I'm going to miss it here in Chiang Mai. I also took into account my many moments of longing for the comforts of home. But that's how desire always is, isn't it? Wanting what you can't have and subsequently coming to terms with not being so sure about wanting it in the first place when it's actually within reach. Fickle and whimsical, desire is. 

Over four months ago when I left the States, I was hungry to challenge myself and embrace a completely different lifestyle. When I actually started to settle into that different lifestyle, which included many hours of spending time alone, I began to want my old life where I was surrounded by familiarity and my loved ones. Classic--when I had to face my own self-imposed discomfort and fear, I chose to cling to my past and what I held dear. So began the battle between my past and present states of being, which still occurs periodically.

The tricky part is that I'm aware of what's going on mentally and emotionally with this whole desire thing, but I cannot control it. To make matters worse, I sometimes harp on myself for struggling with longing for what I can't have and not embracing the present moment. But the lesson is there, and in that lesson is power. I am present in that I can actually recognize that desire is eternal, showing up in its many forms. I am present in that I can distinguish when my mind is consumed with memories of the past and then give myself the choice to suffer at the expense of that, or make the effort to devote myself to anything that will help me become immersed in the essence of wherever I am. More often than not, sensual pleasure derived from conscious eating, fresh air and unparalleled scenic beauty have been my anchors in helping me stay present. Of course, those moments are fleeting--so it goes. 

I've spent months fondly thinking about being in a place far from where I am. Now I've found a groove here in Thailand, being a bit more comfortable with so much time alone, and now I'm going to have to uproot myself again. Granted, I will be headed for familiar ground--but I'm in for reverse culture shock, bills, finding work, and lots of other circumstances unbeknownst to me. In short, a potential breeding ground for a whole lot of discomfort. If I've learned anything from this entire journey, it is that everything will turn out all right as long as I keep my equanimity.