Putting it together

In her memoir Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert at one point comes to the realization that all three of the countries she had visited begin with the letter I: Italy, India and Indonesia. Pretty fitting, considering that her journey had revolutionized her sense of I-ness. I thought it would be fun to look at the first letters of the countries that I've visited and make an acronym for each one, consisting of the qualities of the place and things I experienced there.

Cambodia: compassion, confusion, celebration, carefree

Thailand:  truth, tenderness, trials, transient

Laos: love, loyalty, longing

As this transcontinental journey extraordinaire slowly comes to its close in the next two weeks, I'm naturally taking some time to reflect and begin the process of digesting exactly what happened to me here. I know that waves of perspective will wash over me once I'm back on familiar soil, but it's good now to pat myself on the back for the brave thing I've done, according to my friends. My original expectation was that I'd be gone for a year at least. About two months into it, a force greater than I stepped in and repeatedly let me know that I'd be going home in November to be with my family for the holidays, and I listened, knowing in my heart that I truly wanted to be back. The big thing I've learned here in Southeast Asia is that nothing is ever what you expect it to be; I was taught to go with the flow real quick, lest I be needlessly suffering over petty shit utterly out of my control.

Before I left the U.S., I had no real expectation of what I was in for and I had no solid goals in sight--I knew I just needed to broaden my scope and lead a different life for awhile. I wouldn't necessarily say that I came here for an inner revolution, but rather a confirmation of the inner revolution that has been happening over the past few years. Somehow I felt like I needed to test the practices that have nurtured my transformation at home in a completely unfamiliar environment. Well, it was more like I needed to test myself and see how I would do with the practices that have been given to me when I effectively changed up the circumstances. I took it upon myself as the next stage in my development (and man, was I in for it!).

That's the thing about being on your own and voluntarily removing yourself from everything that you once found solace in--all that is left is you and all of those lovely thoughts circulating furiously about your head. In essence, the journey now became a kind of retreat where self-study was at the top of the priority list, simply because I couldn't ignore it. This was the task that had been appointed to me, and only me because nobody knows me better than I. I took on solitude for the first time in my life, and only because I was prepared for it. Not going to lie, every day was a bit of a battle as layers of pent-up discomfort, attachment and desire came up to the surface. That's the thing about self-study--you have to be ready to meet and defeat (if only temporarily) whatever shows up with the ferocity of any warrior defending their honor. I think I finally understand now why everyone has been telling me that what I've done has been an act of sheer bravery.